A fire-fighter is working on the engine outside of his station when he notices the little girl from next door with her little red wagon, little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose coiled neatly in the middle. She is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to her and says, “That sure is a nice fire truck.”

“Thanks,” says the little girl.

The fire-fighter looks more closely and sees that the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and the cat’s tail.

“Little partner,” the fireman says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replied, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Toot and Tell

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”

The computer swallowed grandma
Yes, honestly it’s true
She pressed ‘control’ and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm
She must have caught a ‘virus’
Or been eaten by a ‘worm.’
I’ve searched through the ‘recycle bin’
And files of every kind
I’ve even used the ‘Internet’
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So if inside your ‘Inbox’
My Grandma you should see
Please ‘Copy,’ ‘Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her
And send her back to me!
– Author Unknown –

Workplace Humour

Boss: “Do you believe that there is life after death?”

Employee: “Certainly not! There’s no proof of it.”

Boss: “Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your brother’s funeral, he came looking for you.”

It was nearly Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood.

“What are you charged with?” he asked the prisoner.

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the shops opened,” countered the prisoner.

Five year old Kylie was constantly being irritated by her three year old brother, Sam, who was always getting into her toys.

One day, finding that he had scattered her dolls all over the floor, she lost her patience and began to shout at him.

“Now, now, Kylie,” her father soothed. “You must be nice to little Sam. Remember, God sent him to us from heaven.”

“I don’t think he was sent,” Kylie replied angrily, “I think he was pushed!”